Saturdays are for Mary. I get her. More importantly, she gets me. I didn’t love her so much at one time, but I grew to love her because my heart was fervent for her. As a converted Catholic, I committed to giving her a chance, to knowing her more deeply and to accepting the Church’s teachings on her. I could not understand her role and place in my life and couldn’t quite fit her neatly, squarely into my life’s hectic corners. But I desperately needed her…
I needed her guidance and tender care. I needed to understand how she could pray for me. I was desperate to see how I could get myself closer to our Lord, and knew that she was the fastest and surest way there.
My theological mind told me it wasn’t possible. My intellectual mind told me it didn’t make sense. But my heart, my heart was longing and wanting for love of her, for imitation of her, to be close to her. To read of the Saints that had seen her, the graces she offered, the love she carried with her. It took a short time for me to understand the Marian doctrine, but a much longer time for me to accept it.
I started to see her as an instrument of God’s love. A carrying of His heart. She brought forth divine life and hope. She was a teenage unmarried Jewish girl who was chosen by God to carry the savior of the world. What an awesome and terrifying task. There was so much there for me. The weight of a large divine task, the visibility of this divine responsibility, the loneliness she must have felt, and the knowing that this birth would change the course of history.
I thought of my own journey- pregnant with a love for Jesus as a converted Jewish girl, visible for all to see, my great loneliness in carrying our Savior. I too was an instrument of grace, trying to make my way as a young Jewish girl who had become a Christian. God’s chosen instrument, as I did not choose Christ, but rather He chose me.
It is difficult to be God’s instrument in a world that does not understand. It is difficult to be different. It is difficult to be an instrument of His will with a great desire to play only sweet sounding music when your audience does not understand nor care for your brand of music. Over the years, I have invested in the truth; that I do not play for large audiences, I play for an audience of one.
But I have come to this conclusion.
An instrument is played by it’s musician and the musician is focused on the instrument, not on the audience. That instrument being played is God, and so is the audience we play for.Tweet
Mary has helped me understand that. She has helped me keep my focus on Him. She has helped me accept myself as a Jewish girl who has fallen in love with Christ. I trust her, give my all to her, so she can guide me straight to Him.
She is a worthy vessel, an honorable mother, a great protection. She has showed me how to play beautiful music, to use my life for the greatest good and most importantly she has made my crosses sweet.
I don’t pray anymore for God to take my crosses away, but instead to send Mary.
I will always be a Jewish girl who loves Jesus. It doesn’t require further explanation accept to say that I could not imagine my life any other way.
And I will play that sweet music that He has assigned to me, as Mary did, to bring the love of God to the ends of the earth.